Even though I hate to admit it, I was bored to tears at mass yesterday morning! Yes the whole idea is appealing, this assumption of sanctity and association with spirituality that comes naturally with the words church and in my case Sunday morning mass but if I am to be completely honest with myself I felt nothing. Where does the blame lie? Is it in the lack of the confidence evident in the parish priest's homily despite his godly effervescent robes glowing splendidly on his pale pink skin? Or perhaps it was the cold emptiness of the vast church hall despite its ornamental glory? There is also the issue of why I was there in the first place, am I catholic by choice or circumstance?
Mon 03/07:
I woke up this morning and suddenly realised I was like the proverbial insect that had played away the summer and with winter fast approaching, scurried around desperately for food. It is the height of the summer and I have not done anything. I made up my mind today to get fit (started working out again) and also plan out the remainder of the summer in terms of making more money and perhaps getting another job. Not that I haven’t gotten another job or can't get other jobs, it's my silly picking and choosing. Am I in the end a silly toff with misplaced priorities?
Tues 04/07:
Emma my boss is back at work looking tanned and in my opinion unevenly so, I do not say this out loud however; I just ignore her. And she ignores me. I can't understand why she is so finicky with her silly mood swings and alternate personalities. I have made my mind up today to take my life into my hands and work for me. I will apply for a shift change (which means leaving her team) and holidays of work to plot and scheme on my next venture. It is time to think about me and stop operating on emotion, success only comes to those who can divorce these two concepts.
Wed 05/07:
After having a 'orrible week (last week), I find out that Kay is back in town and I am absolutely delighted. He is my mentor and my friend and as usual never ceases to inspire. His tales of adventure in all the countries he has been over the past weeks help me past the disappointment I felt this morning. This morning was judgement day as the results from last school year arrived in the post. Whilst I obviously passed the year easily (failure is not an option for me so that was never in my line of thinking), it wasn't quite what I hoped for. On the other side of town, best mate M has received his also but is not smiling as he has failed and might have to do the year again, a luxury I cannot afford! I have resolved to work hard next year, a first class is attainable!
Thurs 06/07:
It almost the end of the week and it feels fantastic. I am listening to hard fi's living for the weekend and I reckon it is apt for the occasion. In the centre of
Friday 07/07:
It is a year ago that those idiots carried out their awful plan and I am still angry, still; it is the weekend and I refuse to let that get me down. The heat wave has finally eased and the weather is starting to cool. It seems to be working out finally!! Sean's little Indian is coming down today so I suppose I will be seeing as little of him this weekend as possible, not that I am complaining. Emma is still not speaking to me and I think she is smarting over my application to change shifts/teams...er I still don't care. I just feel really positive about it all. I just got some extra money today and maybe that explains things (tee hee)! It is funny how across the country, people are going through so much anguish as they remember the events of a year ago whilst things seem to have never been better for me!
Sat 08/07:
I have had to get up early to go to work which is a bit of a bitch but I eventually get it over and done with and head across town to M, R's and their two cats. I am still amazed at how many books they have, the stuff seems to be everywhere. Perhaps that's why I love them so much. Incredibly arty people, who are not influenced by race and contemporary affairs, do not watch television and understand how a 23year old could love AHA and Duran Duran. A couple of beers later and tottering down the lane back my house I eventually receive Michelle who stays till about 2am. I spend a fortune but I do not mind as it is nice to have someone with whom you click so well with....
Sunday 09/07:
I have woken up early and gone to mass. Inside the grand old church, I cannot understand why I am there even though I mouth the words with ease and necessisity. All through the day I do nothing except laze around and chat to friends around the world. It is funny how as you grow older you seem to know more people in more places than ever before!!
I think the happenings of the last week all boil down to identity and perception. My melancholia on Monday and later on, during mass in the following Sunday makes me wonder at what true satisfaction is and how the perception of this is affected by our identities. Am I more successful at what I do because I have the drive peculiar to Africans in the Diaspora? Fortunate enough to have a mentor who instructs on the intricacies of life’s details! Is dissatisfaction the key to true success? Do we battle life’s securities so we achieve more or is the phenomenon to be welcome with open arms as a luxury for few? I ponder these issues as I await the verdict on my shift change, bearing in mind what it means for me in the direction of change and advantage taking (ref: making hay whilst the sun shines). As I chat to Eniola about her next move, she mulls over having to move out of
xxxxxxxx says:
what can you do?
xxxxxxxx says:
are you going to operate on sentiment or do what you have to do?
I only wish I would take my advice as easily as I give it!
posted by internationalhome @ 11:43 am
5 comments
5 Comments:
Hello, mtb, Im pleased to be the first to respond. How do I do this without putting you on the psychologist's couch? (I am not a "shrink" by the way!) I like the style of this post. Present...how did I get here? It is interesting that you say "assumption": not real, it is your mask that takes you here. Not choice, not circumstance, but habit. (Habit is a great deadener, but then faith depends upon repetition. I am a terrible insect of habit!) Really "shift change" is what bugs you, I think. You seem to long to change something inside of you, but settle for changing outside. The mask links to the outside and so changing the outside makes it seem as if the mask has changed: it hasn't. I feel, and take these thoughts kindly from a stranger, you are encountering a subtle form of racism, but don't actually see it.Black males are expected to be invisible, under-achievers in the UK. So, when a black male decides to achieve visibilty isn't enough: only total visibilty will do and only the best can satisfy. This is incredibly stressful, because you can never actually be yourself. Dissatisfaction results, but this is masked by a new lie: the fact that I am not good enough means I will drive myself to be the best. And there the cycle begins again. You say you feel like an "insect".Yes, and you sense the cycle, not metamorphosis. Congratulations on your exam success. Look at what you have survived and achieved.
Take time to reflect on what is good inside you. There is good there.
just stumbled upon your blog...
so did you finally decide about your religion? if you had to choose...what would you do...then again...I thought I didnt like the anglican church but as I get older, I find that being in one, comforts me..weird
i think disatisfaction/frustration is one of the keys to success...one of the driving forces...it is because I am currently frustrated with what I do that Im now trying to focus my attention on things that I know will make me successful..i.e. studying for my professional exams
but now i wonder, when I do become successful according to my standards...will i be happy...satisfied..or is this an ongoing vicious cycle...we just need to keep achieving and overachieving...building more rungs to climb up the ladder with...
oh btw...loved the entry about your dad...a couple of years ago, I decided I needed to establish a better relationship with my father so that when he's gone Im not left with regrets...
reading your blog, it seems you usually experience guilt and I guess anxiety or boredom at mass? then why go at all? I guess tradition (I feel weird in church as well). Just saw your post on The Future Nigeria. Funny..I blasted them a bit some weeks ago.
Many thanks for your comments eshuneutics, food for thought as usual!Thanks for the congratulations, i will just clarify on the issue of my exam results. I will agree that i have done resonably well by class average, however my destination remains the bar of success for me. One must also remember the forex being shelled out on my behalf for my education...a very focal point for the issue.
Thanks for your comments diamond hawk, perhaps i shall with age, eventually discover what i am missing in the catholic church. I am glad you have made hay in time, i mean this with reference to your father!
Shame that you blasted TFN everchange, but being honest i do not blame you; i had mixed feelings about it too. The only difference was i was able to get first hand information from the organisers which changed my impressions somewhat!
Hi, mtb. I have been thinking about your response. Yes, I know what you say. I have endured guilt trip number one: "I had better do well because of what I am costing."It isn't pleasant. And this has got worse since the UK government decided to put a price on education
for UK citizens and an even higher price for foreign students. (Not something I quite understand in the days of global education: you get the same education as a white male, so why exactly should you pay so much more? Oh, because you have the privilege of using our services! So education is a mere service (yet not tied to much quality control in the universities!) And I have been in the position of putting a "student" through higher education. No matter how hard you try not to, you put on monetary pressure and guilt. And sadly, the racist dynamic I put to you feeds on exactly these circumstances. But you have to try and say "I am at University because I am special. I don't have to prove I am special because I am here." A class I once taught, dissented from the crap slogans of the school--quietly! We had our own motto based on basketball: "Don't sweat the technique." They were right. The more they were driven to succeed by the white establishment, the more they cracked. And that suited the white establishment just fine: I mean, they had failed their potential, just what black youths do. Prophecy come true.
Post a Comment
<< Home