I cried!

I have just had a huge argument with my housemates...white european students. And i cried!!!!! I cried out of frustration. We argued about the dearth of social policy on the continent, Dafur, corrupt politicians, Darfur, poverty and AIDS, Dafur and all the other ills that besiege that continent.
I cried because i know it is true. I know that our politicians are corrupt and foolish. I know that the AU sit by why people die in Dafur. I know that our politicians sit by why the Niger-Delta is ravaged and plundered once again!I cried because pensioners die everyday of hunger and disease. I cried because deep down inside i could not answer the question if this had anything to do with the people or the leaders. I cried because i had only this morning seen the awful pictures of the same people we have entrusted our futures to at the so called thisday concert. I cried because i am not doing anything about it. Am i going to end up like every other Nigerian boy my age who comes to the UK for education? Marry a local white girl beneath my standards who likes me for my exoticness and the brown babies i would give her? Become a second class citizen, paying tax on everything and and paying allegiance to the very monarchy that plundered my nation for so long? What do i do?
I can't even talk on my own country because i am not there. I am not a part of that society anymore. I could not live there, i could not believe in it, i could not adapt to it. I refused to adapt to it. My detachment similar to most across the continent explains our dire status on the world stage!! What do i do?
What do i do?

allah who?

This morning's Thisday headlines say "allah giveth, allah taketh" with reference to the ADC crash in Nigeria.....i can only shake my head...this people don't learn!!!
Has anyone looked at the style pull out from thisday edited by ruth osime. I have seen the hard copy and it is awful...not like i was expecting more; however this new edition on the thisday music festival is just plain disgusting!!!!!
I am incredulous at the sort of people i saw in it's pictures! Take a look at thisdayonline.com to see for yourself!

My Shock at a wizened old beard!

GJ is my new lectuerer on culture, subjectivity and power. I won't bother going into the intricate details of the module itself, as it's name is self explanatory...a rather controversial module that deals with societal issues such as race, sexuality and ethnicity. I met GJ by chance as i had not originally set out to take this module; but as a result of the many cock up's in my schools admin body with regards to my module combinations; i found myself a module short of my 120credits required and hence had to haunt for a replacement.
I remember sitting in my award tutors office at the start of the week; A rather boring woman who often confuses disshelved for arty misrepresentation. She droned(literaly) on about how things haven't been done and listed possible options for me to contemplate..one of which was culture, subjectivity and power by GJ. In hindsight, i remember how she hesitated not entirely sure if it would be a good idea.
The week before last, two friends of mine...one Nigerian and the other welsh (a smoking, talking fish) urged me to dump one of my modules for this culture, subjectivity and power whilst we stood in the fag room....the welsh boy pulling on his fags whilst we inhalded as secondary smokers. I use welsh and Nigerian in description as both boys bear the same name...odd innit!
I eventually weighed all of this and decided to go to the lecture this afternoon. I was shocked when i arrived at the room! GJ was black american, wizened with a white beard and greying hair. As i slunk into the room trying to understand why i was shocked, he suddenly pointed and bellowed "YOU!" i have not seen you before, come here!
I won't go into detail on our conversation, but it turned out to be an experience i am glad i didn;'t miss out on. He talked in the wise old way african men talk. He was authoritative, knowledgable and articulate. Perhaps too much so. As he talked on controversial topics(some even scandalous), a lot of the other students (funny, there were very few students in the class and most were white) often looked away or down at their shoes...uncomfortable?
After the lecture, as i ruminated what i had just seen and heard; i suddenly realised why i had been shocked earlier.
Upon hearing his name and the comments by the friends who had already been to his class; i imagined him to be white and middle class of a certain age...why?
As i entered the class, the black man with the overwhelming presence must have been a concept i had forgotten as i was taken aback by this.
It is obvious here to see the social construction of class and race in this society. coming from a society like Nigeria, where powerful black men were an abundance (and i dont mean pot bellied politicians); inspiration and support for the young black male is not in question. However, in this society; i suddenly understand why there is an under achieving class made up of pre-dominantly black, young males. Who are they to learn from and look up to?

some fog and a bowl of peaches

In my resolution to eat properly, i have popped back home for a little dish of peaches as against scoffing on a baugette at the union or just going without!! On the little walk home, i could see the welsh countryside which i adore! The forecast on the box this morning warned of mists in wales and boy was it misty. The stunning scenery of fog drifting between mountains more than compensated for the horrid cold looming....

A beard, a pair of legs and two thoughts to share!

Recently, actress, model, author Isabella Rosellini who's famous for being the daughter of Ingrid Bergaman and director Roberto Rosellini, being the face of lancome, writing a book and making a movie described her father as a "jiggling belly that spoke"...words her twin sister found inappropriate. I didn't think it was inappropriate, rather i could identify with that. I often thought of my parents in rather inappropriate ways....description wise i mean.
My father for me was a toothy beard. He tended to sport one not unlike captain haddock in the tin-tin comics, a style typical to men of a certain age in the 80's i would imgaine. He wasn't the sort to laugh carelessly, but when he did; he let it all out! Melodious, rich, meaningful and toothy. Perhaps it wasn't that toothy and it was just the beard making it look so...anyway, that's the image i have in my head and i am sticking to it.
My mother was legs. All legs! When i was younger, they seemed to stretch for miles. As i grew older, i laughed at the thought of how good she would have been for cabaret if she was born in a different environment. You know, the hat, the legs in tights or both just dangling off a piano singing for drinks! Perhaps that in itself is inappropriate. Anyway, she seemed really tall for my slighlty -older - than- toddler frame and nicole richy skinny too. Perhaps that's why the parisian style dresses she wore in special occassions hung so well on her. I have just noticed that i have been using past tense in her description. My mother is very alive now, but in a different way. Her legs are no longer long and sleek but have now become shortish and thicker. Perhaps it is because i have i have grown older that i feel we have swapped places. My once short, stumpy legs from childhood transformed to her long sleek ones.
I miss that idea. My mother and her long legs and my then my father and his entity. I wish we didn't have to grow old. I wish we could just travel into our memories and live them over and over again. I ....Perhaps one day when my legs become short and stumpy, have my own haddock beard and become a talking belly i will understand why all this happens in the first place!

sigh.

The weather has changed. It is cold, dark and gloomy. It rains a lot of the time now and people aren't so smiley and happy. There's loads of bugs going around too. What is it about the end of the year and this country. Are they/we not greatful for the possibility of seeing another year?
This is also the time when the newspapers rant on about teenage/young persons suicide. This is the time of the year when young people tend to do themselves in. I am witness to this as i remember it was this time last year that my then french housemate, a lovely 23year old girl tried to kill herself. Why do they do it?
Most foreign (no i mean African, especially Nigerian) students will laugh really loudly at this...Kill yourself ke? I suppose that is the benefit of coming from a country with a high death rate, life in itself being a gift to be thankful for. Depression supposedly being a foreign phenomenon that the oyinbo (white/european) students tend to feel. This is not true.
Most young African/Nigerian people go through depression like their counterparts in other parts of the world, we just deal with things differently. First of all we wouldn't kill ourselves. That is completely out of the question. That said, the feeling of black and empty remain and are usually held in check through "prayer", a "pastor" or going crazy on booze and drugs. The request for a Psychologist? Out of the question. This is how so many underlying factors of societies ills go unchecked.
I am depressed a lot of the time. I shouldn't be! I have it all going for me some would argue. I am top in my studies, not at all bad looking, not fat, not poor, the life of the party when i want to be and to a certain degree highly focused; but still....
When i suggested seeing a Psychologist, my friend snorted in disbelief...a psycholgist ke? What on earth for? Abeg nothing is wrong with you, abi you have started moving with oyinbo people too much....
Is it so un-Nigerian to be depressed, or to admit it? Is it so wrong to get professional help? especially going by the fact that i don't have a "pastor"? Sigh.

Music

Have changed my playlist for music to listen to this week and it contains some music i have not listened to in a while and a new entry...

Laryn Hill's miseducation of Lauryn Hill album was fantastic all would agree. Listening to 90's hits such as Doo wop, turn your lights down low (i know its a copy) and everything is everything filled me with nostalgia. Great listening.

Micheal Buble (pronounced boob-lay) is amazing as usual. I am listening to music from all of his albums at the moment and all are fantastic! My playlist include hits like moondance, place your head on my shoulder, Kissing a fool and summer wind but to name a few.

Evanescence are back. Follow albums to hit debuts are usually difficult for most artistes but these have pulled through in my opinion. I am still working my way around the album but my current playlist holds the brand new lithium which i love for its melody and incredibly deep words!!!

For Ambience, my cd player at home currently has Songs from Cesearia Evora's Miss Perfumado and singles from Tony Bennett and Diana Krall!

wtf?

Here i am in my nice warm bedroom in cardiff listening to Diana krall reading stuff on the internet. I am jolted out of my seeming peace by this quote attributed to Ayo Fayose who is the governor of Ekiti where my father is from. He says...
He told his listeners: "nobody can remove me, not EFCC, not the members of the House of Assembly that I bought new cars for, and I took to overseas regularly. They are ungrateful and the ancestors of Ekiti will fight them."

Incredulous? Not nearly..read more here . Should i stay or should i go back?